By T. Rayme Keenan, LCSW
Growing up in the culture of the Heartland, we often learn faith, hard work and family are the most important values. But what happens when, as an adult, we’re unable to recreate this reality we grew up with, specifically due to infertility? What happens when, as women, we’re unable to do what we were told, taught and expected to do?
Emotions, that’s what — and usually big ones. And I know from experience: I was the rare victim of an ectopic pregnancy, and due to scar tissue, never thought I would be able to carry a child to term, as I’d lost an ovary. Not to mention, I’d had so many miscarriages. For a long time, I didn’t talk about these issues because of shame and immense sadness. Now, I encourage other women to do the exact opposite. Today, as a woman and therapist of the Midwest, I’m here to validate and normalize the emotions women might feel as a result of infertility.
From 2015 to 2019, 9.7 million women, or 13.4% of women in the United States ages 15 to 49, had impaired fecundity, or the ability to reproduce, and 2.5 million, or 8.5% of married women ages 15 to 49, had infertility, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. That’s one in approximately 10 women; too many for my liking, and for many years, I was among them.
In my own therapy practice, I have found there are two diagnoses in particular that tend to be responsible for women’s struggle with infertility: endometriosis and PCOS. Women tend to seek counseling at various stages of infertility — when the struggle is realized, when they’re in the thick of the struggle, and when they’ve decided to try and move towards acceptance of their infertility.
I see women when the pressure from society, family and religious organizations/beliefs have closed in too tight. When the disappointment of having dreams unfulfilled has become overwhelming. When there’s no additional money to fund pursuing pregnancy, and when the grief catches up. It’s the death of a dream, lifestyle, rite of passage, and often, hope. In some cases, women feel relief, and the guilt of that feeling becomes too much.
But the fact is, there’s no one way to feel about these struggles. Based on personality, circumstances and life experiences, every woman experiences such phenomena differently. There is no “normal” here, and emotions are never “bad,” nor do they make you a bad person. They are our body’s attempt to connect with us, telling us, “Hey! We’re still here! We need to do something about this problem!”
Despite whatever emotions and sensations experiences with infertility bring — or what diagnosis brings them — I can say without a doubt that support never hurts. Feeling lost in a sea of emotions, spiraling, negative thoughts, panic attacks or recurring tearful episodes are normal, but concerning, responses. If you need more than what your support system can provide, find a therapist. Not just any therapist, but one you feel accepted and unjudged by. There is no greater relief than being truly seen without our roles, expectations and past perceptions of ourselves hanging over our heads. A therapist can provide this kind of objective support.
Here’s to the women of all shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds and cultures. May you thrive in your womanhood, no matter what your reproductive abilities are. You are worthy and lovable.
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